and it’s time!
July 9, 2008
…for pre-paper panic to kick in. T minus 6 days to finish my independent readings course.
unfortunately, it hasn’t. between my mom breaking her tibia, the surgery of the eight screws, working, trying to love on and maintain friendships, the running around trying to organize the family, and trying to be a healthy person in the midst of chaos… it hasn’t happened yet.
this week just seems momentous, a big hump to get over. my 54 year old mum broke her ______ knee, for crying out loud! what a freak thing. she’s in such good shape, probably only sarah is in better condition. and different friends have left for a while / are going to leave for a long time, which makes me sad.
but the paper is due tuesday, so at some point i will have to suffer pre-paper panic and actually start writing. it would also be helpful if i finished my reading…. yeah. my paper-writing habits aren’t the best.
with all the mistakes you have made, and the circumstances you’ve come from, do you ever feel like you are a walking baggage train? impedimenta was the word for it when we studied latin. now it’s just equipaje in spanish. i feel less equipped and more of an impediment to relationship : ) (speaking in general of relationship.) coming from a somewhat tumultuous family situation and being too focused on one’s own psychology seem like liabilities to me.
however: one must consider that God brings you into the world and puts you in certain situations for a reason. one time when i felt this very strongly was in ireland, when i was just starting to deal with depression and i was assigned to wexford on a mission team. i had wanted to be assigned to another team, and I thought, what can a dark person bring to a dark place? eventually i understood why: i understood. i understand how a heavy spirit can rest upon a person, how it can rest upon a place. that’s why God sent me to Wexford, oddly enough. and praise God for what He is doing there now, with another church being planted!
also, i love my family and i wouldn’t trade any of them, faults and all. i love them because they are my family, and they are my family because I love them. i want to be completely honest with them and about them, and yet honor them to other people, and i often don’t do very well balancing honesty and honoring with respect to my family situation. and i’m sorry for that. forgive me, friends.
so what are you doing with me, GOD? i need wisdom, and i need to let things be and wait for Him. it is difficult to let the things which i have put into His hands remain there. not that i can take control, take those things away from Him, but that i really want to fix things now, be happy sooner rather than later. i’ve been somewhat mad that doing what i believe is right–following my conscience–makes me so unhappy.
speaking of happiness, here’s some “interesting reading” (also a new link on my sidebar): click here.
I’m glad i am keeping this blog, so you and i can remember the wrestling of Jacob that i did…so we can build ebenezers together.
July 10, 2008 at 3:02 am
hey hannah,
my friend elizabeth is the most optimistic, upbeat person i know, but she and i had the greatest conversation about jacob and wrestling, and i wanted to pass on her surprisingly unelizabethan comment (that yet was still so helpful!):
me: …and God honored jacob by giving him the name israel, which means “he wrestles with God,” no? so wrestling with God is something to be proud of–he expects us to struggle with him and he honors us for doing so.
liz: yeah, but jacob walked with a limp after that.
so remember the wrestling and build the ebenezers, but also remember this: it’s okay to feel hurt by what God’s doing. it’s okay to limp. and he does honor you for the wrestling and for the limping. promise.
love you.
July 10, 2008 at 4:19 am
i love you, too, rach!
thanks for your comment. it was good to read after another day as a champion struggler
i just thought of something else…. it’s funny how israel was the name of the people of israel too. the people of God, aka the limping wrestling types.
July 10, 2008 at 2:07 pm
I read that other post, and I believe I agree with him, but I also think he would have done better to have titled it “Jesus Didn’t Come to Make You Comfortable,” because that’s really what he was saying (speaking against the horrific Joel Osteen health-and-wealth gospel, among other things). Part of my nitpickiness with words may also have to do with the fact of reading Desiring God right now, and Piper has no qualms with interchanging “happy” and “joyful,” for better or for worse. It is amazing how much difference a single word choice can make, though, when you think about it. Like the truth that the Christian life is not necessarily a comfortable thing, but it is (in the words of C.S. Lewis) “a thing of unspeakable comfort.” Minuscule difference as far as the language goes, but so important.