i’m a plant that grows in the dark

today i got to talk to my dear friend heidi for 44 minutes and 21 seconds. it was a beautiful thing.

i became really frustrated at church when all the hymns seemed to be about how God protects us, is a mighty fortress, keeps the devil out and smashes him down. i kept wondering, what if the problem is inside the fortress? what about sanctifying these sheep you are keeping safe? what are you doing about the mess I am living in the midst of, God?

one answer to my frustration could be that i need to realize that the devil is real and he really wants to destroy good things like families.

another answer could be that God is sanctifying us, and i am confusing what is meant by sanctification. basically i want sanctification to mean swiftly-moving change, and it just might not. yes it means change, but it’s probably not gonna be the change i imagine needs to happen (for example, usually i don’t envision that i am part of the problem) … and it’s likely not going to happen on my timeline.

heidi and i talked about how families are the hardest places to be hopeful. the grooves of brokenness run so deep, and you see others’ sin so clearly at such close range. and when you are part of the problem, it’s difficult to see clearly how anything can change. in other words, it’s quite easy to feel hopeless.

and yet.

thank God there is always the “and yet” part of it.

and yet aren’t families the place where when you don’t have your shit together, they are still around?

even when i refuse to balance my checkbook like my dad tells me to do and i don’t keep track of my money … i know that if i overdraw my account yet again, my parents will help me in some way, even though they have every right to tell me, ‘i told you so,’ and ‘forget it. grow up.’

rachel was griping about how she felt like she always calls our younger sisters, and they haven’t really learned to call her back yet. so then she calls again, and again, until she finally reaches them. it’s true, they’re old enough to call people back, and you can expect that, but being a sister, a family member, is about holding up your end of the bargain when the other person doesn’t.

so families can be the place where you most clearly see grace. grace does not ask to be earned, it does not chalk up ‘grace points’ for next time.

but, i ask, how will we break the pattern of the ‘bad family dynamic,’ whatever it may be, if i just let people walk all over me? it’s so passive and it doesn’t help the other person deal with their sin, they’re hurting me!

i think that if someone hurts you, you should confront them, tell them in the most direct way possible that you are hurt.

but is it ME that breaks the bad family dynamic, or is it love? greater love hath no man… than that he lays down his life. laying down one’s life is an active action.

sometimes ‘letting someone walk all over you’ can be the most loving thing you can do. other times it is not. don’t get me wrong there.

so anyhow: here i am, wanting to fast forward to going back to school, knowing that the mess i live in here just aches and hurts. every plan i laid for this summer went awry. even a small plan, like running a 5K with my mom, exploded into pieces along with her tibia. i am weary and heavy-laden, and i want to run away to a situation that is better for me.

so, dear friends, i will leave you with the quote that heidi gave to me:

“Some plants die if they have too much sunshine. It may be that you are planted where you get but little, you are put there by the loving Husbandman, because only in that situation will you bring forth fruit unto perfection. Remember this, had any other condition been better for you than the one in which you are, divine love would have put you there. Be content with such things as you have, since the Lord has ordered all things for your good.” (Charles Spurgeon)