the noise of beginnings is a hum

i have arrived safe and sound and i’m living in our house which will be soon be crazy with the noise of brownie baking, Danielle thinking no one hears her singing corny country music in the shower, Whitney’s made-up rock ballads of the 8 am hour, dishes clammering, doors slamming, the grass in the backyard growing over the volleyball court that is no more, small groups praying, and the oh-so-frequent yell of, ABBY! HELP ME?!?, as one of us realizes that she has nothing to wear.

but for now, all is humming. the fridge, the AC, and my bamboo plant Sam, which continues to flourish–hurrah!

and God provided me with a friend today. Even facebook can be used to good purpose in His plan. I already knew this friend (Julia G) from freshman year, and she studied abroad this past spring, too…. amazing, a friend who can identify with not being able to recognize the few people who are already on campus. i guess i just didn’t sort out the fact that there wouldn’t be very many people here yet. and that i know fewer people here than ever, which makes sense because a bunch of my friends have graduated. however. Cole Casper still recognized me, which, if he recognizes you, you definitely belong to this school somehow. and he even studied abroad our junior spring, too! if Cole Casper can re-adapt, so can I.

so i just wanted to say that God provides so well for me. because this morning i walked to campus and it seemed that each of my demons from my time at college rose up in front of me. like the dementors in Harry Potter or something. i don’t know why these things affect me so much more when i am here. aren’t you supposed to name the demons in order to get them to go away? well, there you are: Fatty, Sloppy, and Inconsequential. come and get those demons, Jesus.

You know what would be awesome for me to learn this senior year? learning to deal (again) with living my life and not someone else’s; learning (again) to thrive in what is sometimes a wilderness; learning (again) to be able to walk into a room as a single, not-necessarily-normal person and remind myself, Christ is sufficient for me. I don’t need your approval. I don’t need you to think that I am _________ (fill in the blank).

God provides me with a friend today, He will provide what I need tomorrow.

I feel like I am re-discovering old fashioned Christianity. All of those persons who have heard me say that I can’t stand Elisabeth Elliot may now laugh in my face. I just finished her book Quest for Love. It has lots of stories and letters which people wrote her following Passion and Purity. Read it and see for yourself how good it is. i think my dislike for her stemmed from the fact that my dad used to make us listen to her radio show during lunch growing up, and that made lunchtime be at 1 pm, which is definitely too late in the afternoon. so i resented her because i was hungry.

anyhow. what she writes about how good God is, is amazing. I want to worship the God that she is writing about…the God who is quite scary but also that much more Good–not the God I have altered to be a more friendly version. God does not withhold anything good from his children, and I had forgotten that. He knows much better what is good for me. Some Christians have encouraged me to think that because I desire marriage, God has meant me for marriage. I do not think He promises me that at all. He does not promise me life tomorrow, but He does promise me life eternal. He does not promise me a comfortable life, but He does give springs of comfort. I may live or die, soon. He promises me not certainty in what exactly His plan is ahead of time, but certainty in His goodness, certainty in a sovereign plan which means I do not live or die for nothing, but for His glory.

One of the stories was about a woman who prayed for a man who would love her second after God and put her second to the work that God had given him. I may be getting the stories all mixed together, but I believe they went on to become missionaries to China, and were martyred there. Do you have the boldness to pray for a love like that?

Many people have mentioned to me, in passing or by way of explanation, the idea of rediscovering one’s first Love. I still am not sure quite what this means, but I desire to know. Over the last 6-7 years, I have traveled far into the myth of romantic love, and let me tell you, it is a barren land. You will not find someone who will satisfy your loneliness, be your everything, complete you, always make you laugh… whatever those movies say. A marriage of a man and a woman reflects, and therefore is not identical with, the marriage of Christ and the Church. It manifests complement, and points to future completion.

I recently read this quote from a friend’s facebook profile:

“All joy…emphasizes our pilgrim status; always reminds, beckons, awakens desire. Our best havings are wantings.”
~C.S.Lewis

and, on a totally different note, speaking of Humming, read more here.