mother-ing?

what a strange word “mother” is. you think about any word for a while and it seems strange, but ‘mother’ has been on my mind lately.

i suppose i didn’t realize that being a nanny is a bit like being a substitute mother. i thought it was more like being a babysitter for extensive periods of time. but i feel like i am a mother-figure for Sid while I am here: i do all the things that she needs, and i try to be like her mother, affectionate yet firm.

i didn’t realize how i would feel, and how kari might feel, when she came home from a ten-hour workday. i wanted so badly for sid’s face to light up at the sight of her mom… my face definitely was lit up, after ten hours. but three and half month olds don’t really know cues like “mom’s home!” that well yet. i was relieved when sid decided to have an absolute fit of laughing at the dog when her mom took her from me, and i was able to tell her honestly, she hasn’t done that before!

basically, sid’s separation anxiety level is fine, even a little low. but i think kari’s might be increasing. i am learning so much that i didn’t know about being a parent and kids and how they should be raised. here’s the short list of what i have learned so far:

things, thank God, i did not have to learn from experience:

1. never leave a baby unsecured on the changing table (thanks, mom)

2. do not jaywalk with the baby (thank you, random lady downtown who thought i was a new mom in need of advice)

things i have learned from experience:

1. everything’s better after a nap. this is something i have learned in college, but it has been confirmed by my babysitting experience.

2. single moms not only have to deal with doing everything themselves, but they also have to deal with harsh perceptions of them every day. i know because that’s what people assume of me when i walk around downtown with sid — that i am probably some unfortunate teenager that someone got pregnant and then ditched. even though i know i am sid’s nanny, when i am around strangers, i feel the absence of a wedding ring like a burning mark on my left hand. it’s also quite weird that people actually think i am old enough to be the baby’s mother.

3. babies break down barriers of race, age, and socioeconomic status. it’s ok for everyone to talk to an infant and to tell the mom that the baby is darlin’. you’re in a crazy group of people, a baby is like a patronus. that said, i try not to take sid anywhere obviously unsafe. but when you’re a baby, the whole world is unsafe.

[for that matter, that's true when you're an adult. the world in general is not a safe place, but the God who is taking care of us isn't a "safe" God (sterilized, normal, soothing all the time), either, so He easily matches whatever the world brings on... it doesn't have to be scary.]

4. moms do not need nannies to make their babies happy. nannies are there to take care of the baby. moms and dads are also not there to make the baby happy, but sometimes they think they are. my mom still says, ‘we just want you to be happy.’

5. the marriage is more important than the kid. always. i hope if/when i am a parent, i tell my kids, screw you, i love your daddy more. yeah, ok, i might not tell them that exact thing, but i hope that is my attitude: to love my husband more, and to raise my kids to leave the nest.

6. Dvd’s are like crack cocaine for babies. dangerously addictive, but in emergencies, extremely effective. please, just don’t ask me for Elmo. DBD! ELMO! yeah, i get it. perhaps this is an unrealistic fantasy, but if i have kids, i would like to raise them without cable tv. to still have a small tv for the weather channel and to watch good movies, but to keep it out of our lives for the most part. i mean… news and weather are so easily found on the internet and the radio, for goodness’ sake, you aren’t missing out on much. the only problem is, tv is like crack for kids who don’t watch it often. i still have trouble concentrating on a conversation if a tv is on in the same room.

——

that’s all i have time for now; i’ll just leave you with this: i have been raised a little bit feminist, so i don’t know about being a stay-at-home mom, and i don’t know about homeschooling my kids, but i sure as heck know that if i have kids, when my baby is three months old, i am not going to want to leave her with someone else all day. and thereby miss dear moments of being a mom. ACK! I’m turning soft! horrors! Ha! at least i can distance myself from this anti-feminist feeling by remembering that i don’t want kids for a long, long time! oh, i’m ridiculous.

not all feminism is bad. for example, i found a scathing review of this book on feministing.com. i don’t know what feministing.com is, so i don’t recommend it or anything, but they’re dead on target on this one.

i think i am just starting to consider how feminist i am, and how sometimes those feelings take over, even when the Bible hints, or even says directly, that there are better, more fulfilling ways for a woman to live her life than to always be the victim, to have to be defiant all the time in order to protect herself and her rights.

anyways. suppose something that is anti-feminist…like wanting to stay home with one’s kids for a while…feels rather natural and good, rather real-woman?