my grass is blue

so i just have to do another post today, because i had a lot of separated thoughts and i didn’t want these to run into the other ones i just posted.

first, what a great end to a weekend. i finished my paper, spent two long nights babysitting for the drunkenfest bele chere becomes after 5 on Friday and Saturday, went to church, and today spent a glorious hour and a half listening to some of the best bluegrass in the region: the steep canyon rangers. click HERE to listen. Especially note “Call the Captain,” and “Be Still Moses.”

I will admit, when I hear them on the radio or on CD, I just don’t get that excited. sometimes I even think it’s annoying. but LIVE? you can’t beat it. a band who doesn’t have a weak link… insane fiddle, mandolin, upright bass, banjo, and guitar. they all did solos and it was a sight and sound to behold.

it made me want to learn banjo so much. watching Graham Sharp play soft twinkling harmonics on that instrument was incredible. and they write their own songs…. sigh.

it was a nice finish off to the weekend to dance a funny little jig with Nathan while the sun burned us raw and the instruments were let loose to run.

do you ever have the sense that a really great musician isn’t doing the playing, isn’t manipulating it skillfully, but that he just lets that instrument come out and dance? it’s such a Plato-esque view of things, that the sculpture is in the block of marble, waiting to come out, and i disagree with its implications about humanity and especially what it does to women (makes them obsessed with bringing out the perfect form of their bodies)….. but as far as music goes, it’s a beautiful idea.

funny how i believe in both. that the musician frees the instrument to run wild but so much of how music sounds is in the soul of the musician, and the instrument lets him express it.

ANYWAYS.

one more thing bluegrass-related. at http://www.myspace.com/songsfromtheroadband you can listen to a jam band (thus the name “Songs From The Road Band”) that is composed of several local musicians (mostly from Brevard, NC) who hang out and play on the road.

the cool thing? this band combines members of the steep canyon rangers with members of my most favorite bluegrass band, The Biscuit Burners. Click on “A Mountain Apart,” “Off to the Sea,” (two songs which are also favorites of Amy Lane’s) “Don’t Leave Me Feeling Blue,” and “Harriet’s Flog.”

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some unrelated thoughts:

1. i think i am better off independent and free, but i’m not. when i have free time, i think i will do great things with it. that’s part of why i hate being tied down to a paper like i was. but then when i get that free time, i abuse it like crazy. perhaps all my readers are super disciplined. but i find that i do wasteful and wrong things with complete freedom.

i was super independent and free in Mexico, and i became very selfish. i went from lots of nourishment at Redeemer and RUF, the structure of school and RUF leadership, which pushed me to fellowship and service for others… to a totally self-centered existence. i don’t blame myself for being worried and feeling like i had to protect myself from people all the time. there were definitely people i needed to be careful around… like certain men on the bus. but when you ride the bus at least twice a day, that kind of ozone layer gets exhausting, and eventually you think you really do matter that much.

what i am saying is, my life revolved around me. i came back and, confronted by one of my friends, i started wondering about how to change. at first i thought i just needed to start thinking more about others and their needs, but now i am aware that i have a terrible heart-sickness. i am so tired of hurting people, but really i am so enamoured with myself i will love keeping on doing it. it’s scary to know that.
Jesus had a real good reason for laying down his life, for letting that sorrow and love flow mingled down on the cross: my extreme need and his extreme love for me. and He’s not going to leave me alone, though i despair over my darkness.

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2. at times the house burden weighs so heavily on me. my parents are in their fifties, living in debt in a large house in the country that they cannot manage. They need to move closer to town for the sake of sanity and for the United States’ supply of oil. granted, this is their burden, not mine. but they cannot do the work themselves…. they need help. at times i am inspired to give them next summer and do as much work as i can to get it market-ready (tons and tons of work) but i have told myself over and over again that i will not live here again, i cannot. i have been thinking that i must get out of this town after i graduate, or i will never get out of it in my mind. i want to move to a new city… philadelphia, waco, colorado springs, dallas.. somewhere, and just live there for a while. i don’t know what to do. could i live in this town again so soon? i am simply not sure.

why does this burden so weigh on me? why do i so easily possess it? i suppose because my mom talks to me about it… because i have had illusions of being the financial or material savior of my family. it was hard to quit that engineering major because of losing that paycheck that could turn my family’s situation right side up again.

money would not solve the deeper problems. but i hoped it would ease my parents’ burdens and worry so that the deeper problems could be addressed.

but there are people who live in the worst of situations with great grace, with grace for the people sharing those situations, even for the people whose fault the bad things are. where does that come from? it’s astonishing.

money is scary. i wouldn’t mind being poor. i mind having expenses beyond what i can pay, and that’s how i have been raised. tithing has been hard this summer, because i actually made a little bit of money. it has been a good reminder that God will provide the next week’s paycheck, too.

the sun burned and exhausted me, so this is hannah, signing out.