my grass is blue

so i just have to do another post today, because i had a lot of separated thoughts and i didn’t want these to run into the other ones i just posted.

first, what a great end to a weekend. i finished my paper, spent two long nights babysitting for the drunkenfest bele chere becomes after 5 on Friday and Saturday, went to church, and today spent a glorious hour and a half listening to some of the best bluegrass in the region: the steep canyon rangers. click HERE to listen. Especially note “Call the Captain,” and “Be Still Moses.”

I will admit, when I hear them on the radio or on CD, I just don’t get that excited. sometimes I even think it’s annoying. but LIVE? you can’t beat it. a band who doesn’t have a weak link… insane fiddle, mandolin, upright bass, banjo, and guitar. they all did solos and it was a sight and sound to behold.

it made me want to learn banjo so much. watching Graham Sharp play soft twinkling harmonics on that instrument was incredible. and they write their own songs…. sigh.

it was a nice finish off to the weekend to dance a funny little jig with Nathan while the sun burned us raw and the instruments were let loose to run.

do you ever have the sense that a really great musician isn’t doing the playing, isn’t manipulating it skillfully, but that he just lets that instrument come out and dance? it’s such a Plato-esque view of things, that the sculpture is in the block of marble, waiting to come out, and i disagree with its implications about humanity and especially what it does to women (makes them obsessed with bringing out the perfect form of their bodies)….. but as far as music goes, it’s a beautiful idea.

funny how i believe in both. that the musician frees the instrument to run wild but so much of how music sounds is in the soul of the musician, and the instrument lets him express it.

ANYWAYS.

one more thing bluegrass-related. at http://www.myspace.com/songsfromtheroadband you can listen to a jam band (thus the name “Songs From The Road Band”) that is composed of several local musicians (mostly from Brevard, NC) who hang out and play on the road.

the cool thing? this band combines members of the steep canyon rangers with members of my most favorite bluegrass band, The Biscuit Burners. Click on “A Mountain Apart,” “Off to the Sea,” (two songs which are also favorites of Amy Lane’s) “Don’t Leave Me Feeling Blue,” and “Harriet’s Flog.”

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some unrelated thoughts:

1. i think i am better off independent and free, but i’m not. when i have free time, i think i will do great things with it. that’s part of why i hate being tied down to a paper like i was. but then when i get that free time, i abuse it like crazy. perhaps all my readers are super disciplined. but i find that i do wasteful and wrong things with complete freedom.

i was super independent and free in Mexico, and i became very selfish. i went from lots of nourishment at Redeemer and RUF, the structure of school and RUF leadership, which pushed me to fellowship and service for others… to a totally self-centered existence. i don’t blame myself for being worried and feeling like i had to protect myself from people all the time. there were definitely people i needed to be careful around… like certain men on the bus. but when you ride the bus at least twice a day, that kind of ozone layer gets exhausting, and eventually you think you really do matter that much.

what i am saying is, my life revolved around me. i came back and, confronted by one of my friends, i started wondering about how to change. at first i thought i just needed to start thinking more about others and their needs, but now i am aware that i have a terrible heart-sickness. i am so tired of hurting people, but really i am so enamoured with myself i will love keeping on doing it. it’s scary to know that.
Jesus had a real good reason for laying down his life, for letting that sorrow and love flow mingled down on the cross: my extreme need and his extreme love for me. and He’s not going to leave me alone, though i despair over my darkness.

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2. at times the house burden weighs so heavily on me. my parents are in their fifties, living in debt in a large house in the country that they cannot manage. They need to move closer to town for the sake of sanity and for the United States’ supply of oil. granted, this is their burden, not mine. but they cannot do the work themselves…. they need help. at times i am inspired to give them next summer and do as much work as i can to get it market-ready (tons and tons of work) but i have told myself over and over again that i will not live here again, i cannot. i have been thinking that i must get out of this town after i graduate, or i will never get out of it in my mind. i want to move to a new city… philadelphia, waco, colorado springs, dallas.. somewhere, and just live there for a while. i don’t know what to do. could i live in this town again so soon? i am simply not sure.

why does this burden so weigh on me? why do i so easily possess it? i suppose because my mom talks to me about it… because i have had illusions of being the financial or material savior of my family. it was hard to quit that engineering major because of losing that paycheck that could turn my family’s situation right side up again.

money would not solve the deeper problems. but i hoped it would ease my parents’ burdens and worry so that the deeper problems could be addressed.

but there are people who live in the worst of situations with great grace, with grace for the people sharing those situations, even for the people whose fault the bad things are. where does that come from? it’s astonishing.

money is scary. i wouldn’t mind being poor. i mind having expenses beyond what i can pay, and that’s how i have been raised. tithing has been hard this summer, because i actually made a little bit of money. it has been a good reminder that God will provide the next week’s paycheck, too.

the sun burned and exhausted me, so this is hannah, signing out.

mother-ing?

what a strange word “mother” is. you think about any word for a while and it seems strange, but ‘mother’ has been on my mind lately.

i suppose i didn’t realize that being a nanny is a bit like being a substitute mother. i thought it was more like being a babysitter for extensive periods of time. but i feel like i am a mother-figure for Sid while I am here: i do all the things that she needs, and i try to be like her mother, affectionate yet firm.

i didn’t realize how i would feel, and how kari might feel, when she came home from a ten-hour workday. i wanted so badly for sid’s face to light up at the sight of her mom… my face definitely was lit up, after ten hours. but three and half month olds don’t really know cues like “mom’s home!” that well yet. i was relieved when sid decided to have an absolute fit of laughing at the dog when her mom took her from me, and i was able to tell her honestly, she hasn’t done that before!

basically, sid’s separation anxiety level is fine, even a little low. but i think kari’s might be increasing. i am learning so much that i didn’t know about being a parent and kids and how they should be raised. here’s the short list of what i have learned so far:

things, thank God, i did not have to learn from experience:

1. never leave a baby unsecured on the changing table (thanks, mom)

2. do not jaywalk with the baby (thank you, random lady downtown who thought i was a new mom in need of advice)

things i have learned from experience:

1. everything’s better after a nap. this is something i have learned in college, but it has been confirmed by my babysitting experience.

2. single moms not only have to deal with doing everything themselves, but they also have to deal with harsh perceptions of them every day. i know because that’s what people assume of me when i walk around downtown with sid — that i am probably some unfortunate teenager that someone got pregnant and then ditched. even though i know i am sid’s nanny, when i am around strangers, i feel the absence of a wedding ring like a burning mark on my left hand. it’s also quite weird that people actually think i am old enough to be the baby’s mother.

3. babies break down barriers of race, age, and socioeconomic status. it’s ok for everyone to talk to an infant and to tell the mom that the baby is darlin’. you’re in a crazy group of people, a baby is like a patronus. that said, i try not to take sid anywhere obviously unsafe. but when you’re a baby, the whole world is unsafe.

[for that matter, that's true when you're an adult. the world in general is not a safe place, but the God who is taking care of us isn't a "safe" God (sterilized, normal, soothing all the time), either, so He easily matches whatever the world brings on... it doesn't have to be scary.]

4. moms do not need nannies to make their babies happy. nannies are there to take care of the baby. moms and dads are also not there to make the baby happy, but sometimes they think they are. my mom still says, ‘we just want you to be happy.’

5. the marriage is more important than the kid. always. i hope if/when i am a parent, i tell my kids, screw you, i love your daddy more. yeah, ok, i might not tell them that exact thing, but i hope that is my attitude: to love my husband more, and to raise my kids to leave the nest.

6. Dvd’s are like crack cocaine for babies. dangerously addictive, but in emergencies, extremely effective. please, just don’t ask me for Elmo. DBD! ELMO! yeah, i get it. perhaps this is an unrealistic fantasy, but if i have kids, i would like to raise them without cable tv. to still have a small tv for the weather channel and to watch good movies, but to keep it out of our lives for the most part. i mean… news and weather are so easily found on the internet and the radio, for goodness’ sake, you aren’t missing out on much. the only problem is, tv is like crack for kids who don’t watch it often. i still have trouble concentrating on a conversation if a tv is on in the same room.

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that’s all i have time for now; i’ll just leave you with this: i have been raised a little bit feminist, so i don’t know about being a stay-at-home mom, and i don’t know about homeschooling my kids, but i sure as heck know that if i have kids, when my baby is three months old, i am not going to want to leave her with someone else all day. and thereby miss dear moments of being a mom. ACK! I’m turning soft! horrors! Ha! at least i can distance myself from this anti-feminist feeling by remembering that i don’t want kids for a long, long time! oh, i’m ridiculous.

not all feminism is bad. for example, i found a scathing review of this book on feministing.com. i don’t know what feministing.com is, so i don’t recommend it or anything, but they’re dead on target on this one.

i think i am just starting to consider how feminist i am, and how sometimes those feelings take over, even when the Bible hints, or even says directly, that there are better, more fulfilling ways for a woman to live her life than to always be the victim, to have to be defiant all the time in order to protect herself and her rights.

anyways. suppose something that is anti-feminist…like wanting to stay home with one’s kids for a while…feels rather natural and good, rather real-woman?