the noise of beginnings is a hum

i have arrived safe and sound and i’m living in our house which will be soon be crazy with the noise of brownie baking, Danielle thinking no one hears her singing corny country music in the shower, Whitney’s made-up rock ballads of the 8 am hour, dishes clammering, doors slamming, the grass in the backyard growing over the volleyball court that is no more, small groups praying, and the oh-so-frequent yell of, ABBY! HELP ME?!?, as one of us realizes that she has nothing to wear.

but for now, all is humming. the fridge, the AC, and my bamboo plant Sam, which continues to flourish–hurrah!

and God provided me with a friend today. Even facebook can be used to good purpose in His plan. I already knew this friend (Julia G) from freshman year, and she studied abroad this past spring, too…. amazing, a friend who can identify with not being able to recognize the few people who are already on campus. i guess i just didn’t sort out the fact that there wouldn’t be very many people here yet. and that i know fewer people here than ever, which makes sense because a bunch of my friends have graduated. however. Cole Casper still recognized me, which, if he recognizes you, you definitely belong to this school somehow. and he even studied abroad our junior spring, too! if Cole Casper can re-adapt, so can I.

so i just wanted to say that God provides so well for me. because this morning i walked to campus and it seemed that each of my demons from my time at college rose up in front of me. like the dementors in Harry Potter or something. i don’t know why these things affect me so much more when i am here. aren’t you supposed to name the demons in order to get them to go away? well, there you are: Fatty, Sloppy, and Inconsequential. come and get those demons, Jesus.

You know what would be awesome for me to learn this senior year? learning to deal (again) with living my life and not someone else’s; learning (again) to thrive in what is sometimes a wilderness; learning (again) to be able to walk into a room as a single, not-necessarily-normal person and remind myself, Christ is sufficient for me. I don’t need your approval. I don’t need you to think that I am _________ (fill in the blank).

God provides me with a friend today, He will provide what I need tomorrow.

I feel like I am re-discovering old fashioned Christianity. All of those persons who have heard me say that I can’t stand Elisabeth Elliot may now laugh in my face. I just finished her book Quest for Love. It has lots of stories and letters which people wrote her following Passion and Purity. Read it and see for yourself how good it is. i think my dislike for her stemmed from the fact that my dad used to make us listen to her radio show during lunch growing up, and that made lunchtime be at 1 pm, which is definitely too late in the afternoon. so i resented her because i was hungry.

anyhow. what she writes about how good God is, is amazing. I want to worship the God that she is writing about…the God who is quite scary but also that much more Good–not the God I have altered to be a more friendly version. God does not withhold anything good from his children, and I had forgotten that. He knows much better what is good for me. Some Christians have encouraged me to think that because I desire marriage, God has meant me for marriage. I do not think He promises me that at all. He does not promise me life tomorrow, but He does promise me life eternal. He does not promise me a comfortable life, but He does give springs of comfort. I may live or die, soon. He promises me not certainty in what exactly His plan is ahead of time, but certainty in His goodness, certainty in a sovereign plan which means I do not live or die for nothing, but for His glory.

One of the stories was about a woman who prayed for a man who would love her second after God and put her second to the work that God had given him. I may be getting the stories all mixed together, but I believe they went on to become missionaries to China, and were martyred there. Do you have the boldness to pray for a love like that?

Many people have mentioned to me, in passing or by way of explanation, the idea of rediscovering one’s first Love. I still am not sure quite what this means, but I desire to know. Over the last 6-7 years, I have traveled far into the myth of romantic love, and let me tell you, it is a barren land. You will not find someone who will satisfy your loneliness, be your everything, complete you, always make you laugh… whatever those movies say. A marriage of a man and a woman reflects, and therefore is not identical with, the marriage of Christ and the Church. It manifests complement, and points to future completion.

I recently read this quote from a friend’s facebook profile:

“All joy…emphasizes our pilgrim status; always reminds, beckons, awakens desire. Our best havings are wantings.”
~C.S.Lewis

and, on a totally different note, speaking of Humming, read more here.

my grass is blue

so i just have to do another post today, because i had a lot of separated thoughts and i didn’t want these to run into the other ones i just posted.

first, what a great end to a weekend. i finished my paper, spent two long nights babysitting for the drunkenfest bele chere becomes after 5 on Friday and Saturday, went to church, and today spent a glorious hour and a half listening to some of the best bluegrass in the region: the steep canyon rangers. click HERE to listen. Especially note “Call the Captain,” and “Be Still Moses.”

I will admit, when I hear them on the radio or on CD, I just don’t get that excited. sometimes I even think it’s annoying. but LIVE? you can’t beat it. a band who doesn’t have a weak link… insane fiddle, mandolin, upright bass, banjo, and guitar. they all did solos and it was a sight and sound to behold.

it made me want to learn banjo so much. watching Graham Sharp play soft twinkling harmonics on that instrument was incredible. and they write their own songs…. sigh.

it was a nice finish off to the weekend to dance a funny little jig with Nathan while the sun burned us raw and the instruments were let loose to run.

do you ever have the sense that a really great musician isn’t doing the playing, isn’t manipulating it skillfully, but that he just lets that instrument come out and dance? it’s such a Plato-esque view of things, that the sculpture is in the block of marble, waiting to come out, and i disagree with its implications about humanity and especially what it does to women (makes them obsessed with bringing out the perfect form of their bodies)….. but as far as music goes, it’s a beautiful idea.

funny how i believe in both. that the musician frees the instrument to run wild but so much of how music sounds is in the soul of the musician, and the instrument lets him express it.

ANYWAYS.

one more thing bluegrass-related. at http://www.myspace.com/songsfromtheroadband you can listen to a jam band (thus the name “Songs From The Road Band”) that is composed of several local musicians (mostly from Brevard, NC) who hang out and play on the road.

the cool thing? this band combines members of the steep canyon rangers with members of my most favorite bluegrass band, The Biscuit Burners. Click on “A Mountain Apart,” “Off to the Sea,” (two songs which are also favorites of Amy Lane’s) “Don’t Leave Me Feeling Blue,” and “Harriet’s Flog.”

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some unrelated thoughts:

1. i think i am better off independent and free, but i’m not. when i have free time, i think i will do great things with it. that’s part of why i hate being tied down to a paper like i was. but then when i get that free time, i abuse it like crazy. perhaps all my readers are super disciplined. but i find that i do wasteful and wrong things with complete freedom.

i was super independent and free in Mexico, and i became very selfish. i went from lots of nourishment at Redeemer and RUF, the structure of school and RUF leadership, which pushed me to fellowship and service for others… to a totally self-centered existence. i don’t blame myself for being worried and feeling like i had to protect myself from people all the time. there were definitely people i needed to be careful around… like certain men on the bus. but when you ride the bus at least twice a day, that kind of ozone layer gets exhausting, and eventually you think you really do matter that much.

what i am saying is, my life revolved around me. i came back and, confronted by one of my friends, i started wondering about how to change. at first i thought i just needed to start thinking more about others and their needs, but now i am aware that i have a terrible heart-sickness. i am so tired of hurting people, but really i am so enamoured with myself i will love keeping on doing it. it’s scary to know that.
Jesus had a real good reason for laying down his life, for letting that sorrow and love flow mingled down on the cross: my extreme need and his extreme love for me. and He’s not going to leave me alone, though i despair over my darkness.

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2. at times the house burden weighs so heavily on me. my parents are in their fifties, living in debt in a large house in the country that they cannot manage. They need to move closer to town for the sake of sanity and for the United States’ supply of oil. granted, this is their burden, not mine. but they cannot do the work themselves…. they need help. at times i am inspired to give them next summer and do as much work as i can to get it market-ready (tons and tons of work) but i have told myself over and over again that i will not live here again, i cannot. i have been thinking that i must get out of this town after i graduate, or i will never get out of it in my mind. i want to move to a new city… philadelphia, waco, colorado springs, dallas.. somewhere, and just live there for a while. i don’t know what to do. could i live in this town again so soon? i am simply not sure.

why does this burden so weigh on me? why do i so easily possess it? i suppose because my mom talks to me about it… because i have had illusions of being the financial or material savior of my family. it was hard to quit that engineering major because of losing that paycheck that could turn my family’s situation right side up again.

money would not solve the deeper problems. but i hoped it would ease my parents’ burdens and worry so that the deeper problems could be addressed.

but there are people who live in the worst of situations with great grace, with grace for the people sharing those situations, even for the people whose fault the bad things are. where does that come from? it’s astonishing.

money is scary. i wouldn’t mind being poor. i mind having expenses beyond what i can pay, and that’s how i have been raised. tithing has been hard this summer, because i actually made a little bit of money. it has been a good reminder that God will provide the next week’s paycheck, too.

the sun burned and exhausted me, so this is hannah, signing out.

continue remembering love love love

i don’t have much time to post tonight, so i’ll just give the basics.

i’m still living at home, the world is not all well but it’s doing better from my perspective, i’ve got mad nannying skills, the paper is undergoing an overhaul (funny how that does and doesn’t make sense), i filed my graduation card, and the sky is beautiful in this valley. that’s one thing about texas.. not enough valleys for me. the sunsets almost make up for it, but not quite.

i talked to amy lane’s (college best friend and roommate) mom today and she was blunt and right. i didn’t like everything she said about breaking up, but she was mostly right. i was glad that she said that my emotions were valuable and valid… i needed someone to say that to me… but i was glad again when she told me that i shouldn’t go by them. whatever happens relationship-wise, i need to let this deep sadness fade with time. then i can decide things if i need to. meanwhile, she said, ‘get you a journal’ and rant it all out with God. bless that woman. scary as hell to talk to though, because as well as being wise, she can see right through me.

i felt a burden lift, hearing her perspective.

journaling, for me, is a good thing, but i never seem to stick with it. looks like that might have to change.

one last thing: I know this isn’t necessarily good logic… but one of the things i talked to ann about was
how when you’re deeply sad, it’s very hard to trust God. but know what? i am not sure it’s worth it to believe in a God who’s not sovereign, who’s ineffective, who isn’t holding me and caleb both in his hands. That’s surely not the God character in the Bible.

And sometimes it’s even harder to rest my mind in the idea that the God who is sovereign and powerful also loves me so dearly and deeply. but He does! He must!

i’m a plant that grows in the dark

today i got to talk to my dear friend heidi for 44 minutes and 21 seconds. it was a beautiful thing.

i became really frustrated at church when all the hymns seemed to be about how God protects us, is a mighty fortress, keeps the devil out and smashes him down. i kept wondering, what if the problem is inside the fortress? what about sanctifying these sheep you are keeping safe? what are you doing about the mess I am living in the midst of, God?

one answer to my frustration could be that i need to realize that the devil is real and he really wants to destroy good things like families.

another answer could be that God is sanctifying us, and i am confusing what is meant by sanctification. basically i want sanctification to mean swiftly-moving change, and it just might not. yes it means change, but it’s probably not gonna be the change i imagine needs to happen (for example, usually i don’t envision that i am part of the problem) … and it’s likely not going to happen on my timeline.

heidi and i talked about how families are the hardest places to be hopeful. the grooves of brokenness run so deep, and you see others’ sin so clearly at such close range. and when you are part of the problem, it’s difficult to see clearly how anything can change. in other words, it’s quite easy to feel hopeless.

and yet.

thank God there is always the “and yet” part of it.

and yet aren’t families the place where when you don’t have your shit together, they are still around?

even when i refuse to balance my checkbook like my dad tells me to do and i don’t keep track of my money … i know that if i overdraw my account yet again, my parents will help me in some way, even though they have every right to tell me, ‘i told you so,’ and ‘forget it. grow up.’

rachel was griping about how she felt like she always calls our younger sisters, and they haven’t really learned to call her back yet. so then she calls again, and again, until she finally reaches them. it’s true, they’re old enough to call people back, and you can expect that, but being a sister, a family member, is about holding up your end of the bargain when the other person doesn’t.

so families can be the place where you most clearly see grace. grace does not ask to be earned, it does not chalk up ‘grace points’ for next time.

but, i ask, how will we break the pattern of the ‘bad family dynamic,’ whatever it may be, if i just let people walk all over me? it’s so passive and it doesn’t help the other person deal with their sin, they’re hurting me!

i think that if someone hurts you, you should confront them, tell them in the most direct way possible that you are hurt.

but is it ME that breaks the bad family dynamic, or is it love? greater love hath no man… than that he lays down his life. laying down one’s life is an active action.

sometimes ‘letting someone walk all over you’ can be the most loving thing you can do. other times it is not. don’t get me wrong there.

so anyhow: here i am, wanting to fast forward to going back to school, knowing that the mess i live in here just aches and hurts. every plan i laid for this summer went awry. even a small plan, like running a 5K with my mom, exploded into pieces along with her tibia. i am weary and heavy-laden, and i want to run away to a situation that is better for me.

so, dear friends, i will leave you with the quote that heidi gave to me:

“Some plants die if they have too much sunshine. It may be that you are planted where you get but little, you are put there by the loving Husbandman, because only in that situation will you bring forth fruit unto perfection. Remember this, had any other condition been better for you than the one in which you are, divine love would have put you there. Be content with such things as you have, since the Lord has ordered all things for your good.” (Charles Spurgeon)

but time makes you bolder, even children get older…

when i first came home, i was shocked at how stressed americans were, and how crazy-busy my family was. how every day is a huge production.

obviously, my tolerance of family stress has shot up, though sometimes i think it can never be high enough. the punches still hurt, but i am learning to roll with ‘em.

here’s a graph i made of my summer. it’s silly. but i like graphs.

well. now that i got that out of my system.

today i worked on this term paper that was due yesterday, talked to my sister rachel, and got frustrated.

what most frustrates me is how i treat people when i am doing a paper like I am doing right now. i hate what it does to me, which doesn’t make any sense because a paper cannot be evil in itself, though some have approached that level. no, tis I that choose my attitude, tis I that loves myself and my agenda. this makes me want to run far, far away from grad school.

a man exposed himself to me in the coffee shop where I was writing today. i am not sure whether it was inadvertent or on purpose, but it freaked me out. it was, very, very traumatizing. that sort of thing isn’t supposed to happen in a coffee shop. is nothing sacred? is no place safe? i moved my things and sat elsewhere, and he left shortly that. it could have been accidental, but it’s hard for me to assume that when i just feel violated and angry. and i didn’t know what to do.. so i didn’t do anything. my dad said i should have gone straight to the management, even if it was accidental. but i couldn’t even figure out what had just happened.

then i got home and lost all patience. you know that you are out of patience when you don’t want to help someone who only has the use of one leg. i mean, what a b****! i took james for a walk to try to cool off and figure out why i felt like i was gonna explode.

this year i felt a lot of grief about being physically and emotionally at a distance from my family. i mean, i was in mexico, for goodness sake. i thought my mom was grieving–the whole emptying of her nest process. i realize, now that i’m home, that my mom really likes being at work again. maybe i have been the one who’s sad about change and growing up. i am starting to realize that at my age, there is a distance that’s healthy between you and your family. what that looks like, i haven’t figured out.

so my hometown doesn’t exactly feel like home. but neither does my Texas town, especially since i will leave it after this year, my senior year. for a while it bothered me that so many places felt like home and my heart felt all spread out in pieces… now i just want one place to feel like home, at all. it’s hard to be rootless, to share rooms and space with new people all the time, which is what i’ve done this year. i crave something of my own, something that belongs to me only. i have begun to think that nothing is really my own except the conversations i sometimes have with God. because no one else is really in that conversation, and He’s listening to me.

i like to have my own space, a place to think. i like simplicity … not having a bunch of things that i don’t need … it’s scary to think about going abroad again at some point and being in a hostel or host family and having that same total lack of space to mentally stretch out in. in mexico i lived in a teeny, awkward room full of furniture with a roommate who first tried to get me to move out, then decided i wasn’t so bad. it’s a horrid feeling: you are crowded everywhere by people, yet you feel alone. there’s not enough room for you anywhere, because there’s no space that belongs to just you at the house you live at, and if you go elsewhere you will probably have to rent the space by buying something like coffee or food. i suppose that desire for something of my own is why i am blogging right now.

but do i just run away from this, go rent somewhere for the last month here? or, stranger still, try to live with another family? all families have dynamics to which you must become accustomed. and along with my tolerance of stress shooting up, so has my attachment and need of my family. is it irrational to be afraid i will miss something?

good grief. God will sort me out. i suppose i might need a bit of sleep. goodnight, friends.

*post title from Fleetwood Mac’s Landslide.

weary miracles

this week has been a long one. can’t say i’d like to live it over again, though it did have a nice ending to it on saturday. i left Gabe’s graduation party assured of a friendship that i have deeply missed since i broke up with said friend. and he left for mexico for the semester. i will continue to miss him, but i am such the happiest to have talked a little more openly with caleb again, if only for a little while.

add to that grand finale the rest of the week: doing loads upon loads of laundry;

nannying up a storm, which included learning to make executive decisions that the child does NOT need another bottle and instead needs to go to bed NOW;

spending a little time with my mom as she lies bored on the couch, recovering from knee surgery;

participating in a great big bonfire until 2 am that did not, unfortunately, spontaneously combust as it was lit, though it was doused in $5 of atv fuel;

smoking a pipe and learning to make killer sound effects with a ferocious torch, both firsts…

bonding with my dad over not understanding what the sermon was about, at all…

receiving a voicemail that brought me to tears, which was my dad calling to offer to be my date at aforementioned bonfire at said newly unboyfriended friend’s house…

re-connecting with friends, which is delightful but sometimes easier said than done..

and savoring the anticipation of living with my 6 housemates in the fall…. amy lane, my longtime roommate and best friend from college; abby, the tender-hearted fashion goddess; whitney, fellow redhead and dizzying great ball of fire; christy, passionate liver-outer of her faith and Sonic drink addict; danielle, ridiculously athletic and patriotic person extraordinaire; and lindsey, the queen of coffee dates and kick-ass mini-cooper driver.

now. whatever else happened this week, getting to anticipate living with such a beautiful bunch of redeemed sinners is just…. well, i’m glad. as a wise friend said, knowing the whole story of my time at college, going back is just awesome. from nothing to something… every time community springs up, it’s like we are living out those words, a new creation.

and it’s time!

…for pre-paper panic to kick in. T minus 6 days to finish my independent readings course.

unfortunately, it hasn’t. between my mom breaking her tibia, the surgery of the eight screws, working, trying to love on and maintain friendships, the running around trying to organize the family, and trying to be a healthy person in the midst of chaos… it hasn’t happened yet.

this week just seems momentous, a big hump to get over. my 54 year old mum broke her ______ knee, for crying out loud! what a freak thing. she’s in such good shape, probably only sarah is in better condition. and different friends have left for a while / are going to leave for a long time, which makes me sad.

but the paper is due tuesday, so at some point i will have to suffer pre-paper panic and actually start writing. it would also be helpful if i finished my reading…. yeah. my paper-writing habits aren’t the best.

with all the mistakes you have made, and the circumstances you’ve come from, do you ever feel like you are a walking baggage train? impedimenta was the word for it when we studied latin. now it’s just equipaje in spanish. i feel less equipped and more of an impediment to relationship : ) (speaking in general of relationship.) coming from a somewhat tumultuous family situation and being too focused on one’s own psychology seem like liabilities to me.

however: one must consider that God brings you into the world and puts you in certain situations for a reason. one time when i felt this very strongly was in ireland, when i was just starting to deal with depression and i was assigned to wexford on a mission team. i had wanted to be assigned to another team, and I thought, what can a dark person bring to a dark place? eventually i understood why: i understood. i understand how a heavy spirit can rest upon a person, how it can rest upon a place. that’s why God sent me to Wexford, oddly enough. and praise God for what He is doing there now, with another church being planted!

also, i love my family and i wouldn’t trade any of them, faults and all. i love them because they are my family, and they are my family because I love them. i want to be completely honest with them and about them, and yet honor them to other people, and i often don’t do very well balancing honesty and honoring with respect to my family situation. and i’m sorry for that. forgive me, friends.

so what are you doing with me, GOD? i need wisdom, and i need to let things be and wait for Him. it is difficult to let the things which i have put into His hands remain there. not that i can take control, take those things away from Him, but that i really want to fix things now, be happy sooner rather than later. i’ve been somewhat mad that doing what i believe is right–following my conscience–makes me so unhappy.

speaking of happiness, here’s some “interesting reading” (also a new link on my sidebar): click here.

I’m glad i am keeping this blog, so you and i can remember the wrestling of Jacob that i did…so we can build ebenezers together.

a poem

a seven month old poem.

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someday

my grief will come

burgeoning

like so many bagpipes, an

unruliest river,

a fish from its water

dragged – no need,

don’t try to put me back:

i only ask thy hand.

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an introduction

oh friends,

i am beginning this blog in an effort to re-join the blogging community, a community which, may i say, has matured a lot over the years i have been a blogger.

i also want to blog my journey back to my real name (thus the name of my blog)… i just feel that this section of my hike is gonna have a lot to do with me finding my identity in nothing external. a spiritual identifying.

at this time, i am quite deep in a river of grief, for a lot of things. everywhere it looks, it seems, i am grieving lost relationships, broken relationships, and relationships that have waned out of necessity or distance.

also at this time, or about several weeks ago, i realized i had lost any semblance of thinking that heaven is good. i have earth-head, or something. earth-heart, probably more like it.

one of my best friends told me quite bluntly that he thought i was quite comfortable being a doubter. what he meant was (or what i took from what he said) was that i had taken the idea that “it’s ok/good for Christians to doubt God, to doubt everything, etc.” and i had run with it.

not that i had doubted too much. actually, that i had just become really comfortable with the label of being a doubter, and sitting on it. i hadn’t pursued my doubts, and i hadn’t re-traversed christianity to see what was there. in other words, i wasn’t a doubter at all.

this friend’s blunt words made me think that i needed to stop sitting, and start moving somewhere.

one of the only things i had to hold onto at that point was something i had realized after traveling with some “ex-christian” and pagan friends in Mexico:

One of those girls i was traveling with had grown up in a christian family, but through many turns of the road, had come to believe that the Bible was a human document only, and not the Word of God. If you stop believing the Bible is the word of God, it obviously unravels your christianity pretty darn quickly.

this girl honestly shook me up a bit. but i had a moment of clarity one morning, a clarity that was given. i realized that the Bible had to be the Word of God. If not, and if it were a human document, we would have never concluded that God was good. we would be way too angry for how this world is, for how life is. and that is what the Bible consistently says. that God is indeed good, good beyond our understanding.

so this was my starting point.

as of now, i am starting to hunger more and more for a personal relationship with Jesus. the ears of my heart are starting to re-open to hymns and sermons.

meanwhile, everything i planned for my summer has unraveled:

my plan for summer: quickly find a job, buy a car, and live elsewhere than my house. have a great summer with family and friends, and with my boyfriend.

What has happened: i couldn’t find a job until almost mid-June, i haven’t bought a car because of the hold on my job, and i am living at home. i had a rough start with my family, a lot of my friends aren’t even in the country, and my boyfriend–probably the best man my age that i know–and i aren’t dating anymore.
my mom recently pointed out that i had planned a lot of things that i couldn’t control, at all. that’s true, but boy, when your summer reverses this much, it sends you for a loop.

meanwhile, i have much to be thankful for. the delay in the job worked out perfectly since i needed to finish my independent readings class this summer, the car juggling has worked out fine thus far, and living at home has turned out to be a much-needed support. i am learning to love my family in spite of my and their extreme mess/chaos, i have been embraced by friends here that i don’t deserve, and with my boyfriend… well the Lord will work His will. i think He is using this time to grow me a great deal and make me a healthier half of a relationship, whether that be with him or not. Tanto que crecer, so much to grow.

It hurts a lot to grow like this. a post on “Piebald Life” resonated deeply: Lessons Learned on the Farm.

you are very welcome to my blog. i invite you to walk with me on this path to my real name, this hard path to knowing to Whom I belong.